February 20th, 2009

I am tired.. exhausted... confused... feels like i'm getting sick... I am trying to make things better... but i guess we are all have to be responsible of our actions. I quit.

For the past few days I am trying to fill up 27 goals (since I AM 27) till my next birthday but unfortunately I haven't finished making the list. Who knew 27 is such a long list to do! darn, feels like i'm that old but ofcourse I'm not! i've got a really long way to go in this life... One item in the list is being optimictic... *sigh* I haven't finalize anything yet but it feels like I'm soo frustrated... I think I'll cross out that one, because no matter how I try, gosh, this isn't easy for me.. I end up being pessimistic about it... argh! Sometimes I would like to kick myself back all the way till infanthood when it feels that life is perfect... no problems...or maybe there are problems but then I was just too young to worry about them...

I'm confused... because would you love.. um.. or maybe love is such a strong word... um.. would you harvest that emotional feeling of like or infatuation towards somebody else if you know that THAT someone else will not love you back.. ika nga the ultimate question... ano pipiliin mo? Ang taong mahal mo or taong mamahalin ka?... I know you are probably confused as well.. you're probably asking, What the hell is Jeng talking about??? I know ako rin hindi ko na maintindihan.. kasi I have never been in a situation like this, wherein people do the craziest things... or maybe I have.. but not like this...self help books doesn't teach... and no matter how supportive you could be.. still people goes for things that logically doesn't make sense but tawag daw ng puso e...but like a knife piercing your heart... alam mong mali, pero ayun ka nagpapakatanga sa longing feeling na what if... hay naku get the point? Well maybe not because at this point I'm talking nonsense.

Just ranting I guess.. letting the negativity out... breathing sensitivity and rationalism in... maybe I should take up a bisyo? Yosi? Inuman? Nah... I don't have money for that.. saving up for travelling...

eto na lang siguro, I'll pray for healing na lang... that Lord you mend wounds and heal whats broken. That you bless us with discernment and understanding.. that you enlighten all who are like me confused and strengthen us who are weak. That you guide the lost in the right path and that let them realize that they are not alone in this life and that there are like us who care. Hay, lablyf... now i know why i'm still single...i won't tell you my exact thoughts but i'm telling you now that its not because i'm gay i'm not!

See things are feeling better for me now... writing it down.. blogging it... God, I really need guidance... I don't know how to react anymore... but I love what I googled...alam ko nakikinig na si Lord
Psalm 23 - The Lord is my shepherd.

The Lord is my shepherd.

I have everything I need! I have His love, I have His forgiveness, I have His joy. He gives to me exactly what I need when I need it.

The Lord is my shepherd.

Worry no longer consumes me. God is in control. He gives me peace and I find rest in His love.

The Lord is my shepherd.

He forgives every one of my sins. He throws my sin of selfishness into the deepest sea. He throws my sin of doubt to the farthest horizon. He throws my sins away and never brings them up again.

The Lord is my shepherd.

He has made a way for me to be right. I don't have to struggle to be perfect. He has offered the perfect sacrifice for my sins. I am righteous in His sight.

The Lord is my shepherd.

Death will one day knock on my door, but I will fear not. He walks with me, holding my hand, showing me the way home.

The Lord is my shepherd.

The devil has no hold on me. God has cleared the way for me to live in freedom. He invites me to eat and drink at the family table.

The Lord is my shepherd.

He heals all my wounds. He bandages my bleeding heart, He soothes my aching spirit, He kisses away the hurt.

The Lord is my shepherd.

My life is so full. Full of wonder, full of joy, full of hope. My life overflows.

The Lord is my shepherd.

God's goodness and mercy is mine for keeping. He has offered it and I have accepted. It is mine forever and ever.

The Lord is my shepherd.

This place is not my home. But heaven is my forever home. And there I will live with the God who has loved me passionately, cared for me tenderly, and prepared for me tirelessly that eternity.

The Lord is my shepherd.

Hay.. my friend alam ko confused ka rin now... I pray that you find someone if not me who will guide you and tell you what to do. I don't think I am made for this type of struggle.